Winging it, Through Winter Wonderland

I am done with Fall quarter and I couldn't possibly be any more relieved. This one was rough, so much writing and so much stress. I feel I brought a lot of the stress onto myself though. Wanting to be amazing and just kill it in my classes. I worked my ass off behind the scenes. While everyone slept and while they watched movies and ate too many brownies, I was studying, writing, brainstorming, and watching every sign language or Deaf Culture video I could get my hands on for free. 

Finding the time to do these things outside of being a mom and housewife seemed nearly impossible most days. I'd give nearly anything for someone to help with the kids to do fun things or work on math facts or reading comprehension. Trying to teach them how to be appropriate little people is the hardest job I've ever faced, next to trying to be a student yourself while being a full time mom. I wish I could take them to do fun things or be a part or a team of some sort.  

Some days, it feels as though the entire world is against me. Life's things are constantly pulling me back, choking and drowning me, making me feel like I'm on a dead end road. I have no idea if I will be able to make a livable wage, ever. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to own a home or financially take care of my children, or even myself, but I refuse to give up all hope yet. 

I sit here on my winter break, while the kids are at school and I have a laundry list of things to do and I'm just exhausted. Mentally, physically; my body wants to settle into the earth and let go. While chasing Moose through the yard in a very sad attempt to run (apparently I had forgotten for a moment that I can't run, my legs won't hold me), I landed face first into the grass. I didn't want to move. I wanted to lay in the grass and just soak into the wet soil beneath the grass, but remembering I told my kids "I won't give up". Moose came along and sniffed me laying on the ground, knowing it was his actions that, ultimately, landed my there soaking wet. His child-like sympathy inspired me to pull my head out of my ass and get up, get the kids to the bus and keep moving forward. As the day wears on and the pain and soreness becomes greater, the weight of the world only becomes heavier. 

I'm desperately hoping I can keep my chin up and make it through the holidays to start a new set of classes in January, Psychology and a health and wellness class. Also continuing on my personal journey learning ASL, but definitely not with the abusive, loose cannon that teaches at LCC.