Free-falling ...through Fall Quarter

Early Fall

I cross over our creek on this tiny bridge, made from an old train car, every day as I come and go from my house. Living in a place where nature surrounds you, where there is no possible way to hide from it, even if you tried. It brings about this whole other way of thinking and even living, which is exactly what I needed four and a half years ago, when we moved out here.

I, somehow, instinctively just started putting my children's needs before my own. From the moment I first married, at 19, knowing I wanted to have children. I changed my eating habits, had new exercise routines, was steering clear of those clouds of second hand smoke whenever possible and so on. I was now even more hyper aware of EVERYTHING than I had already been before.

Seventeen years ago, pregnancy brought on this whole new realm of being a highly sensitive person. I could see, smell, hear, and even FEEL EVERYTHING. (I say this in capital letters for the sake of not wanting to leave you any room for doubt.) For example, the smell of anything my body found offensive, at any given moment, could have me hurling my guts out within seconds. Sitting in a recliner and having another child come rock and wiggle me, while climbing up for a snuggle, could also have me losing my lunch, without hardly any notice. The TV and computer screen's flickering from flashy scenes or ads often sends electrical shocks of unbearable pain through my head and face. I can't scroll through my phone or tablet for hours, like so people many do. 

There is even this theory that you can't get car sick if you are the driver, well, guess what?... I can! Wanting to go to a movie with my friends, but sitting in a movie theater with the stench of stale, rotten-buttery, popcorn burning my nose, people whispering with that terrible ssssss sound slicing though my soul, and the giant screen with the flashing lights can have me sick as a dying dog with-in moments, taking hours and even days to recover. Doctors reassured me over and over again that this was just pregnancy related and would pass with the birth of each child. They were wrong, all of them. They told me lies and I faithfully believed them and desperately hoped these types of sensitivities would subside. Especially since the list of these types of events are endless.

Then you have 3 highly sensitive children. Yes, it's true! Currently ages 7, 10 and 16: all females, with varied degrees of sensitivity, but all with their own set of triggers. We have had to leave, or sit in the car, for more events than I can possibly even recall because it was too loud, too smelly, or too bright, or too anything. We have more barf buckets and baggies readily available than anyone I have ever known. This makes life feel impossible at times. 

Eventually it just became so much easier to just hardly ever go anywhere. For real! Many many times when we would attempt to push through, be brave, be strong, or just tough it out for the sake of desperately wanting to be there, or to avoid embarrassment or ridicule, we are left in even worse condition because one person's stimming and coping skills are triggering another. The exhaustion of all of this will surely cause one or more of us to be down and out sick for the rest of the day and all too often even longer. 

This makes going to school tricky as well. Any week that the kids are able to stay in school every day, all week is a huge accomplishment. Given each of them have various doctor, dental, and therapy appointments throughout every week that often play interference with the school schedule as it is. I knew this would play a huge part in how much time I would be able to put into college as well.  

I started Fall quarter off with so much confidence and hope that it was probably disgusting to others. I absolutely loved the idea of getting out of the house, with other people and getting to live a little. Getting the opportunity to learn things from multiple aspects, I really do love to learn. I had a plan of prioritizing my schooling to reach an even better level of achievement than I had already pursued in the previous two quarters. School has never come easy for me, I was a D and F student, as a kid. So, when I started college, in the Spring, my goal was just to pass my classes, and certainly not lose my financial aid. After an amazing first quarter, with a wonderful English teacher, I quickly realized this was a place I could actually thrive. Then yet another awesome quarter and then here comes Fall. 

Little did I know what I was in for, as far as the amount of time, energy and strength it would take to get through the 3 classes I'd chosen this quarter. The one thing keeping me afloat through it all are the voices of my little girls quizzing me with "why are you just a mom?" Despite my body and my abilities deteriorating right before my eyes, through pain and suffering, there is still room for growth. That still, small voice still resonates within me saying "don't give up yet". As I drive to school and back home completely exhausted, depleted of all of my confidence, and desperately wishing I could just stay home by my warm fire. I kind of feel like the current fall weather: sad, cold, and dreary, those green vibrant leaves have turned shades of yellow, orange and brown, dancing as they fall to the ground, awaiting the moment they become one with the ground.

I ended up dropping my online biology class 3 weeks in, after feeling like I had entered onto another planet. I really didn't see that coming, as I thought I was pretty knowledgeable in biology and find great interest in genetics and such, but fighting through the computerized labs pushed me over the edge. I just couldn't keep torturing myself, nor did I have the time to put forth in the extra reading and research outside of the class materials to be able to understand things.

ASL was an absolute trip and a half. This was a culture I was completely, unknowingly, ignorant to and am now absolutely in love with. I highly recommend researching Deaf Culture and watching "Through Deaf Eyes" on YouTube. My poor teacher couldn't get her ducks in a row... ever. She didn't show up to a total of 4 of our scheduled classes, some without any online warning. Many of the classes were cut short by up to an hour. She was always exhausted and her signing was tired and exhausted and often hard to read, thankfully she used her voice all of the time. She didn't go to the Deaf events that she required us to go to, required us to do assignments that go against Deaf Culture 100%. She was all over the place with her teaching and assignments. The entire quarter was a total roller coaster of stress, because I truly wanted to learn ASL and everything that goes along with it. I constantly felt like she was holding us back and then ridiculing us when we couldn't figure thing out or even had the audacity to ask for help. God forbid we need to miss a class for ANYTHING, even if we emailed her prior to class she was a relentless bitch. She was threatening and condescending in class, on Facebook, in Canvas group discussions, and in her emails to us all. It was unreal... then then unthinkable happens... she doesn't even show up for the ASL final! No call, no show. That was unbelievable!

English 101, also a roller coaster... a roller coaster of writing assignments and some sad attempts at deep thinking. Damn, this teacher has you write, and write, and write some more. Wanting you dive deep into intense depths of details and research but, damn, this is just English 101! He needs some structure too but nowhere near as bad as ASL. These words of the day are great but wow! way too many! Holy guac! do you think we could pick some words that actually tie into your teaching so we can try to use them in our writing through the quarter thus enhancing our knowledge of the word and its use.? Just a suggestion. Also, if you could save your ROD for the last thing you do in class so the students have something to ponder as they head off to the next big thing of their life, that would be great. Plus, you could use this list as extra credit at the end of the quarter for those who made it through class every day, BAM, your welcome. hahaha

...and this is what happens when you put on head phones to study for finals, children help themselves to the fresh new brownies that were supposed to be for later!

Anyhow, I made it. I survived another quarter at LCC, 3 down and so many more to go.

Thankfully, I have had this gorgeous drive to and from school to help bring me peace and comfort as I continue on my journey. Fall quarter has finally come to an end. I've faced different obstacles this quarter than the previous two, some of them seemed unbearable at times but here I am anxiously waiting for grades to be released, to see someone else's measurement of my success and hard work and the reason my kids are now asking me "Why are you in school if it causes you so much pain?"

Ohhh and I have a new adventure series to add to my LCC adventure..


The Adventures of Henry and Moose...

Moose (Golden-Doodle) & Henry (Boston/Beagle)