Winging it, Through Winter Wonderland

I am done with Fall quarter and I couldn't possibly be any more relieved. This one was rough, so much writing and so much stress. I feel I brought a lot of the stress onto myself though. Wanting to be amazing and just kill it in my classes. I worked my ass off behind the scenes. While everyone slept and while they watched movies and ate too many brownies, I was studying, writing, brainstorming, and watching every sign language or Deaf Culture video I could get my hands on for free. 

Finding the time to do these things outside of being a mom and housewife seemed nearly impossible most days. I'd give nearly anything for someone to help with the kids to do fun things or work on math facts or reading comprehension. Trying to teach them how to be appropriate little people is the hardest job I've ever faced, next to trying to be a student yourself while being a full time mom. I wish I could take them to do fun things or be a part or a team of some sort.  

Some days, it feels as though the entire world is against me. Life's things are constantly pulling me back, choking and drowning me, making me feel like I'm on a dead end road. I have no idea if I will be able to make a livable wage, ever. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to own a home or financially take care of my children, or even myself, but I refuse to give up all hope yet. 

I sit here on my winter break, while the kids are at school and I have a laundry list of things to do and I'm just exhausted. Mentally, physically; my body wants to settle into the earth and let go. While chasing Moose through the yard in a very sad attempt to run (apparently I had forgotten for a moment that I can't run, my legs won't hold me), I landed face first into the grass. I didn't want to move. I wanted to lay in the grass and just soak into the wet soil beneath the grass, but remembering I told my kids "I won't give up". Moose came along and sniffed me laying on the ground, knowing it was his actions that, ultimately, landed my there soaking wet. His child-like sympathy inspired me to pull my head out of my ass and get up, get the kids to the bus and keep moving forward. As the day wears on and the pain and soreness becomes greater, the weight of the world only becomes heavier. 

I'm desperately hoping I can keep my chin up and make it through the holidays to start a new set of classes in January, Psychology and a health and wellness class. Also continuing on my personal journey learning ASL, but definitely not with the abusive, loose cannon that teaches at LCC. 

Free-falling ...through Fall Quarter

Early Fall

I cross over our creek on this tiny bridge, made from an old train car, every day as I come and go from my house. Living in a place where nature surrounds you, where there is no possible way to hide from it, even if you tried. It brings about this whole other way of thinking and even living, which is exactly what I needed four and a half years ago, when we moved out here.

I, somehow, instinctively just started putting my children's needs before my own. From the moment I first married, at 19, knowing I wanted to have children. I changed my eating habits, had new exercise routines, was steering clear of those clouds of second hand smoke whenever possible and so on. I was now even more hyper aware of EVERYTHING than I had already been before.

Seventeen years ago, pregnancy brought on this whole new realm of being a highly sensitive person. I could see, smell, hear, and even FEEL EVERYTHING. (I say this in capital letters for the sake of not wanting to leave you any room for doubt.) For example, the smell of anything my body found offensive, at any given moment, could have me hurling my guts out within seconds. Sitting in a recliner and having another child come rock and wiggle me, while climbing up for a snuggle, could also have me losing my lunch, without hardly any notice. The TV and computer screen's flickering from flashy scenes or ads often sends electrical shocks of unbearable pain through my head and face. I can't scroll through my phone or tablet for hours, like so people many do. 

There is even this theory that you can't get car sick if you are the driver, well, guess what?... I can! Wanting to go to a movie with my friends, but sitting in a movie theater with the stench of stale, rotten-buttery, popcorn burning my nose, people whispering with that terrible ssssss sound slicing though my soul, and the giant screen with the flashing lights can have me sick as a dying dog with-in moments, taking hours and even days to recover. Doctors reassured me over and over again that this was just pregnancy related and would pass with the birth of each child. They were wrong, all of them. They told me lies and I faithfully believed them and desperately hoped these types of sensitivities would subside. Especially since the list of these types of events are endless.

Then you have 3 highly sensitive children. Yes, it's true! Currently ages 7, 10 and 16: all females, with varied degrees of sensitivity, but all with their own set of triggers. We have had to leave, or sit in the car, for more events than I can possibly even recall because it was too loud, too smelly, or too bright, or too anything. We have more barf buckets and baggies readily available than anyone I have ever known. This makes life feel impossible at times. 

Eventually it just became so much easier to just hardly ever go anywhere. For real! Many many times when we would attempt to push through, be brave, be strong, or just tough it out for the sake of desperately wanting to be there, or to avoid embarrassment or ridicule, we are left in even worse condition because one person's stimming and coping skills are triggering another. The exhaustion of all of this will surely cause one or more of us to be down and out sick for the rest of the day and all too often even longer. 

This makes going to school tricky as well. Any week that the kids are able to stay in school every day, all week is a huge accomplishment. Given each of them have various doctor, dental, and therapy appointments throughout every week that often play interference with the school schedule as it is. I knew this would play a huge part in how much time I would be able to put into college as well.  

I started Fall quarter off with so much confidence and hope that it was probably disgusting to others. I absolutely loved the idea of getting out of the house, with other people and getting to live a little. Getting the opportunity to learn things from multiple aspects, I really do love to learn. I had a plan of prioritizing my schooling to reach an even better level of achievement than I had already pursued in the previous two quarters. School has never come easy for me, I was a D and F student, as a kid. So, when I started college, in the Spring, my goal was just to pass my classes, and certainly not lose my financial aid. After an amazing first quarter, with a wonderful English teacher, I quickly realized this was a place I could actually thrive. Then yet another awesome quarter and then here comes Fall. 

Little did I know what I was in for, as far as the amount of time, energy and strength it would take to get through the 3 classes I'd chosen this quarter. The one thing keeping me afloat through it all are the voices of my little girls quizzing me with "why are you just a mom?" Despite my body and my abilities deteriorating right before my eyes, through pain and suffering, there is still room for growth. That still, small voice still resonates within me saying "don't give up yet". As I drive to school and back home completely exhausted, depleted of all of my confidence, and desperately wishing I could just stay home by my warm fire. I kind of feel like the current fall weather: sad, cold, and dreary, those green vibrant leaves have turned shades of yellow, orange and brown, dancing as they fall to the ground, awaiting the moment they become one with the ground.

I ended up dropping my online biology class 3 weeks in, after feeling like I had entered onto another planet. I really didn't see that coming, as I thought I was pretty knowledgeable in biology and find great interest in genetics and such, but fighting through the computerized labs pushed me over the edge. I just couldn't keep torturing myself, nor did I have the time to put forth in the extra reading and research outside of the class materials to be able to understand things.

ASL was an absolute trip and a half. This was a culture I was completely, unknowingly, ignorant to and am now absolutely in love with. I highly recommend researching Deaf Culture and watching "Through Deaf Eyes" on YouTube. My poor teacher couldn't get her ducks in a row... ever. She didn't show up to a total of 4 of our scheduled classes, some without any online warning. Many of the classes were cut short by up to an hour. She was always exhausted and her signing was tired and exhausted and often hard to read, thankfully she used her voice all of the time. She didn't go to the Deaf events that she required us to go to, required us to do assignments that go against Deaf Culture 100%. She was all over the place with her teaching and assignments. The entire quarter was a total roller coaster of stress, because I truly wanted to learn ASL and everything that goes along with it. I constantly felt like she was holding us back and then ridiculing us when we couldn't figure thing out or even had the audacity to ask for help. God forbid we need to miss a class for ANYTHING, even if we emailed her prior to class she was a relentless bitch. She was threatening and condescending in class, on Facebook, in Canvas group discussions, and in her emails to us all. It was unreal... then then unthinkable happens... she doesn't even show up for the ASL final! No call, no show. That was unbelievable!

English 101, also a roller coaster... a roller coaster of writing assignments and some sad attempts at deep thinking. Damn, this teacher has you write, and write, and write some more. Wanting you dive deep into intense depths of details and research but, damn, this is just English 101! He needs some structure too but nowhere near as bad as ASL. These words of the day are great but wow! way too many! Holy guac! do you think we could pick some words that actually tie into your teaching so we can try to use them in our writing through the quarter thus enhancing our knowledge of the word and its use.? Just a suggestion. Also, if you could save your ROD for the last thing you do in class so the students have something to ponder as they head off to the next big thing of their life, that would be great. Plus, you could use this list as extra credit at the end of the quarter for those who made it through class every day, BAM, your welcome. hahaha

...and this is what happens when you put on head phones to study for finals, children help themselves to the fresh new brownies that were supposed to be for later!

Anyhow, I made it. I survived another quarter at LCC, 3 down and so many more to go.

Thankfully, I have had this gorgeous drive to and from school to help bring me peace and comfort as I continue on my journey. Fall quarter has finally come to an end. I've faced different obstacles this quarter than the previous two, some of them seemed unbearable at times but here I am anxiously waiting for grades to be released, to see someone else's measurement of my success and hard work and the reason my kids are now asking me "Why are you in school if it causes you so much pain?"

Ohhh and I have a new adventure series to add to my LCC adventure..


The Adventures of Henry and Moose...

Moose (Golden-Doodle) & Henry (Boston/Beagle)

my first time... blogging

Hello, I am Amber. That is the name that goes with my face. I smile all the time, usually too quickly, at everything, even when I'm completely miserable and I'm miserable far too often.

I am one of those whose brain feels overloaded at every moment in time, but I'm always seeking more information. One of those people that is rarely truly bored and always can find something I'm supposed to be doing or wish I could be doing.

I really love strange facts or details about things, and people with hidden talents. I desperately enjoy knowing things most others don't know. I love secrets. I am a true empath, since the day I was born, I sense and feel details that most hardly notice, if at all. I have a tendency to be very wrapped up in thoughts and feelings and appear aloof, though I've always been quite a busy and hardly ever in one place for long.

I prefer the company of most animals, it seams we get each other.

Usually, I'm absorbing more details than most can even fathom. I'm a deep thinker and not so great in conversation at times.

Moose, golden-doodle, born 5/2018

I've was never a great fan of books due to my significant struggle with reading growing up, until late in my senior year in high school when a teacher realized I'm dyslexic. I spent a little time lost in a few books back when I first started experiencing health problems that kept me from my normal active lifestyle. I loved reading the Twilight books and the 50 shades of Grey series. Now as a parent, I have a hard time finding time or a quiet place to read for myself. On the rare occasion I'm able to dive into a book I have a very hard time putting it down to deal with reality. The last six years of my life I've been teaching two of my little people how to read, so our house is filled with children's books of all sorts, and papers, and note cards full of sight words. With an exception to all the medical journals and books written by Doctors and researchers to better understand some of the heath conditions my family deals with that many local Dr's have no idea how to treat.

For starters, I am a hyper-elastic genetic mutant with 3 mutant spawn of my own. (That's me trying to make light of a really crappy situation because  hey, what else can I do?) My 3 daughters and I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a genetic connective tissue disorder that affects our entire body and any/all organ functions (or dysfunctions in our case). Basically, we are very fragile since 80% our our body is made from faulty collagen, kind of like we were made with a crusty old glue stick where everyone else's collagen is more like Gorilla Glue. 

 I'm also adopted, so I had no idea I had a genetic condition until age 32, 8 months after my youngest daughter was born, even though I had been suffering from it my entire life. Parents with EDS have a 50/50 chance of passing it along to their kids, well, I guess we won the jackpot. 

My second daughter, Lili-James, has a chromosome deletion called 4p16-, which has been quite an adventure in her nearly 10 years of life. She also has Epilepsy, Autism, Sensory Processing Disorder, intellectual and developmental delay, among other things. Having EDS and 4p16- creates an avalanche of other health issues across the board for each of us but together we get by. 

Jordan  (16) & Gabbi, Dane/Lab (10)

Karsyn (7) & Lili-James (9)

Thanks to the assortment of health issues we have been through in the last 11+ years, I have been faced with the challenge to completely redirect my life plans and goals. My Cosmetology licence was no longer an option to carry me or my daughters through life, nor was it any kind of true passion. I never imagined I'd be classified as disabled at age 27, spending my days and nights from then to eternity tending to various special needs. It completely changed my life, my perspective, my heart and has humbled me. I live in chronic pain, every single minute, which has totally changed the way I think, feel and perceive.  

Recently I was faced with the question from my 2 youngest daughters "why are you just a mom?"... just a mom?! That one got me, it got me real good. I knew in my heart that I had been feeling like "just a mom" for many years, like my hopes and dreams were a wash, that I would just spend my days trying to take care of them and raise them to the best of my ability while hoping I don't die before they can care for themselves or each other. 

I'm at a place in my life where I desperately need a job so I can get on my own two feet, and make a new plan for my future, for our future, but I haven't found a job that will accommodate to all of my limitations, or lack of skills. It was time to change my direction, I needed to gain some more skills. Skills that weren't outdated or beyond my physical capacity. I'm just not ready to accept the life of a person scraping by on disability, so that lit my fire to get back to school. I have stacks of things working against me being here at college, but I have this little flicker of hope somewhere deep that tells me there is a purpose for my existence beyond raising 3 daughters. I don't want them to accept our government's disabled lifestyle and succumb to the thoughts that they too have no purpose. I may be disabled but I'm far from useless. 

My hobbies, passions and dreams have all been pushed off to the back burners for quite a few years, poor health will sweep that rug right out from under your feet just as soon as you think you've got control of things. Occasionally, I find time to dabble in some of the things I once loved, such as drawing/doodling but none of them feel the same as they once did. Here are a few of my doodles from a few years ago. 

I've recently started making decorative wood signs, which then led me to embark on to a t-shirt making venture as I save for my dream of building a tiny home and owning property to raise therapy animals. 

I find some kind of peace and strength, and an unimaginable pleasure in making "inappropriate" signs and shirts. After a life time of being raised my my Pentecostal Preaching parents I can finally let my hair down and quit pretending to be a flawless, perfect individual that I clearly am not and just be human.. be myself without care for acceptance or approval, or fear of disrespecting my parent's image. 

I find peace and solace in the woods or sitting by the Columbia River, soaking up the sun and the fresh Pacific Northwest air. I try to peel myself away from my house and family once or twice a week, usually once everyone is in bed, to enjoy nature and have a few moments to myself, where I'm not obligated to do anything. I love taking in the stars, the wind, the clouds; just living in the right now, practicing my Mindfulness, just as I've been taught over and over by pain management. I'd take a quiet, sunny, gorgeous walk, alone in the woods over nearly anything, better than any therapy I've ever paid for.

Abernathy Creek

I love to drive alone. I'd drive anywhere, for as long as I could if my body would let me, and rock out to my music, generally some Slightly Stoopid or Breaking Benjamin via Pandora. I see music as a very powerful therapy, to just throw on some headphones and shut off the world while I do laundry or other "mom" things makes a night and day difference.

I've never been one to sit still for movies or TV very well. I'm not a die hard Netflixer or have a collection or box set of anything. I just generally have a hard time sitting and doing nothing without falling asleep from total exhaustion. The only show that I can say has truly grabbed me and drawn me in, despite good ol ADHD, is Vikings. I know little to nothing about actual Vikings but watching the series had me on the web doing all sorts of research, I was deeply fascinated as it opened up this whole other world to me. 

I have absolutely no idea where I may go on my adventures through LCC as I make my way through these basic classes and learn how to be a student again after so many years. My interests are so scattered that I don't know how to make sense of any of them or have any true idea of what degree or certificate I am working towards. With health constantly fluctuating and children that need their mother a little more than the average family, I am currently working towards a better me and some type of skill that qualifies me as more than "just a mom" so can financially provide for myself and my kiddos. Someday, I will have my own successful business, own a home, and hopefully find time write the books I've been dreaming about for many years. 

These silver rings I wear are medical equipment, not a fashion statement. You will often see me in a ridiculous amount of different kinds of braces and splints to help me get through various events in life. You may even see me with my red walking stick or my blue cane, possibly even using my rolling walker or my zebra wheelchair, but right now my rolling computer bag has been serving multiple duties to help stabilize me, and keep my on my feet when my racing heart makes me feel woozie, and to carry all these things that are too heavy for me to lift.

I am supposed to wear a neck brace 6-8 hours per day to alleviate the symptoms I have from cranio-cervical instability; wrist braces, knee braces; my shoulders, back and rib cage often held together with KT tape. Life is exhausting when you are constantly trying to hold the 360 joints in your body together and the muscles around them are tight, sore and full of knots from overcompensating. This also takes a huge toll on your energy and ability to focus. It is also extremely exhausting, and very distracting, to constantly be explaining to random inquirers, jokers or disbelievers as to why I have and use all these things. 

It's not everyday that you want to go around explaining that you're walking funny because your pelvis won't stay together with every step you take and you're afraid you're going to fall and dislocate something else, or that maybe your hip will decide to dislocate all on its own from the weight of your leg swinging forward too quickly or stepping in an uneven spot on the ground (Yes, this happens all of the time!)

This is my third quarter at LCC and I am questioning why I started this journey more and more every single day. I didn't realize how physically demanding it would be, how emotionally exhausted the pain would make me, or how it would interfere with my ability to meet requirements at school and in my personal life, or feel satisfied with the work I turn in.

 I'm hoping to have an eye opening experience this Fall quarter because the way things have been going I'm feeling like being a Wal-Mart door greeter for the rest of my life isn't all that bad.